Ever wonder how the oldest vampire in the world would die and what he'd say? Russell Edgington to Eric "Well, f*ck." Edgington was in the episode for less than five minutes. Like that joins some kind of Kate Beckinsale quota of flashing tit before title. I want to borrow a quote from Lafayette...
Kind of anticlimactic to kill the oldest vampire in the world like that, don't you think? However, "anticlimactic" does not describe Sunday's episode of True Blood. It was by far, the most satisfying episode of the season. I think it could have stood by itself, and HBO could have just canceled all the others. For one, this episode had a HUGE body count. It reminded me of "Body Count" by Ice-T.
Salome got snuffed. She drank up the Jesus juice, only Bill spiked it with silver. How could you not see that one coming? And it wasn't the Jesus/Lilith juice anyway. Maybe it was just Kool-Aid.
Tons of people died. HBO cleared house AND it's about damned time. Jason Stackhouse took out like ten vamps. Eric killed ten. Tara killed about five. Eric's sister killed about ten. And in True Blood, when vamps die, they explode like water balloons filled with food coloring.
Tara French-kissed Pam. Serious vamp on vamp, interracial, face sucking goin' on. *Throws confetti. Best line from Jessica, "I KNEW IT!" Yes you did, honey. Yes you did. But so did we. *yawn
Bill became a naked vampire god. It isn't True Blood unless you are drenched in blood and running around naked. And his fangs were larger than Eric's. Yeah, you read that right. Vampires are size queens too.
Alcide killed the deranged wolf-pack master and got twice as many lines in one episode as he's had all season. However, he didn't kill the wolf pack master shirtless. I take away one point for this short-sightedness on HBO's part.
Roz is killed by Sam expanding in her head. That's the only thing about this entire season of shapeshifters that paid off.
Andy Belflour's pregnant fairy woman gave birth to four kids. Only birth sounds a lot like orgasms, there's lots of light emanating from "down there" and it apparently requires a lot of salt as she downed an entire container of Morton's. I guess fairies don't have to worry about their sodium levels.
My favorite lines from the birthing scene:
"My light broke."
"Who knew watching an alien giving birth could be so comforting?"
"Andy Belflour, you're a dick."
Jason and Eric hit it off like schoolhouse buddies. Here's their exchange (NOTE that it's less effective unless you visualize Jason's lines said in a thick southern accent):
Jason: Fanger
Eric: Blood Bag
Jason: Leach
Eric: Breather
Jason: Dead F*ck
Eric: Meat sack.
Jason: "If I want to be a fool, I will be a fool. That's my God-given right as an American."
Ain't that the truth. Oh True Blood, I shall miss your craptasticness. Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD. Long live Sookie Stackhouse!
Have a great Tuesday. Ciao.
The Cool Stuff:
Eric killed Russell Edgington after an entire field of fairies pooling their magic couldn't even make him pause in his monologue. You know it's bad when all the power you and your allies can muster won't stifle a monologue. But just like in the Incredibles, Russell got caught monologuing and Eric squished him. |
| Eric and Sookie were like Batman and Catwoman teaming up to face the bad guy. |
Tons of people died. HBO cleared house AND it's about damned time. Jason Stackhouse took out like ten vamps. Eric killed ten. Tara killed about five. Eric's sister killed about ten. And in True Blood, when vamps die, they explode like water balloons filled with food coloring.
 |
| Jason Stackhouse as vamp slaying commando had me at "Fang banger!" |
 |
| You would never guess that Pam was a former hooker by the way she dresses. |
 |
| Bill's fangs are bigger than Eric's. Sookie can verify that. She's been with both. |
The Disturbing Stuff:
Sam Merlott doing reconnaissance as a house fly when he wasn't nude. It was ten minutes too long, which is probably precisely the amount of time they could have spent cutting all that out entirely. I guess they needed to wrap up the Emma storyline, not that there even was one to begin with.Andy Belflour's pregnant fairy woman gave birth to four kids. Only birth sounds a lot like orgasms, there's lots of light emanating from "down there" and it apparently requires a lot of salt as she downed an entire container of Morton's. I guess fairies don't have to worry about their sodium levels.
My favorite lines from the birthing scene:
"My light broke."
"Who knew watching an alien giving birth could be so comforting?"
"Andy Belflour, you're a dick."
 |
| "I only slept with her twice in the time I've been dating you." At least he's honest, ladies. Oh infidelity thou art a cruel mistress, especially when the other woman is a fairy. |
The Vulgar Stuff:
Jason and Eric hit it off like schoolhouse buddies. Here's their exchange (NOTE that it's less effective unless you visualize Jason's lines said in a thick southern accent):
Jason: Fanger
Eric: Blood Bag
Jason: Leach
Eric: Breather
Jason: Dead F*ck
Eric: Meat sack.
Jason: "If I want to be a fool, I will be a fool. That's my God-given right as an American."
Ain't that the truth. Oh True Blood, I shall miss your craptasticness. Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD. Long live Sookie Stackhouse!
Have a great Tuesday. Ciao.
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