The reason why comic book movies will always be better than actual serialized comics

I like comic books just like most other people (well maybe not as much as George R.R. Martin). However, I have to remind myself from time-to-time that comic book movie adaptations should have an open license to do anything with the characters, and I shouldn't complain.

Why would I say this? Well for starters, over time comic book writing is some of the worst that there is. Take Wolverine for example. I'm looking forward to the new movie, so I brushed up on some of the history on this character. After I did so, I came to the decision that I honestly don't care where the movie goes as long as it has a self-contained story that makes sense and has good action scenes. Here's Wolverine's history as it's evolved over time (I'll let you be the judge):

1) Wolverine was originally meant to be an actual wolverine turned into a human by the high evolutionary. His claws were part of his gloves.

2) The claws became implants created by Weapon X, and he was a mutant.

3) Someone decided he was meant to be Sabertooth's son.

4) Someone decided he had bone claws all along and they just got covered over with adamantium. Magneto exposed this by ripping all the adamantium form his body which made his regeneration insane (see number 6).

5) In the present incarnation, he isn't a mutant. He's a Lupine, which is a human-looking species that evolved parallel to humans but from wolves and not apes. There are two tribes of lupines: blond and dark-haired. They hate each other, hence Sabertooth vs. Wolverine being in conflict all the time. Other Lupines include Wolfsbane, Feral, Wild Child, and Thornn. All of them are manipulated by an elder Lupine called Romulus.

6) Originally he could heal faster than most. It evolved into an uber superpower so that at one point, he was left as a skeleton from an explosion and healed completely within seconds. To set limits, every time he dies, Wolverine had to fight the Spirit of Death to return to the living. And then they got rid of that, so he doesn't have to do it anymore. But now if he dies, this time, it's the real deal! *shocked face

And you can do the above analysis with any serialized comic book character. Spiderman, Hulk, Superman, Wonder Woman... Every single one of them from Jean Grey to Dr. Fate is a complete hot mess. And let's not even get into how every single female character now has rape in their background because "rape" makes female characters "edgy." At least that's what writers think. "Let's put a rape in the background and that explains why she's all doom and gloom now."

Comic book writing is just...SO BAD... I really understand why I no longer
buy them. Maybe that explains why I think so much of the YA genre
featuring comic book-ish heroes is bad too. Writers are emulating this crap.
But hey, it sells. So as long as the money train is rolling hop on for a ride.

To anyone that reads and appreciates good writing, comic book movies will always be better than the actual serialized comics. Yes, I said it. I don't care how bad the movie is either. Just look at the complete and utter mess Wolverine is and try to argue with me. You can't. You'll just lose.

Seriously, anyone who pokes fun at George Lucas for tampering with Star Wars over time and yet loves serialized comic books has nowhere to stand. If you're one of these people, you're a complete hypocrite. The plot holes, the continuity problems, the stuff that plain just doesn't make sense at all is the reason why comics for the most part are just examples of the most awful commercial writing available. However, because all superheroes come with six pack abs, sexy bodies and big tits, and action scenes rife with special effects, they will always make billions of dollars. That being said, I'm looking forward to the new Wolverine movie. Here's the latest trailer (it hits theaters July 26th):

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Jessica Bell talks Adverbs and Cliches and I talk about a Bank of America foreclosure

The Insecure Writer's Support Group can be joined by anyone. You can find the sign up sheet HERE.

April 2013 finds me being less an insecure writer and more a "writer" who just happens to have some insecurities. The difference this time is I'm meeting the biggest challenge head-on instead of running away from it.

What is this challenge? Well, I'm looking to buy my very first home. This is not a new thing but has been an ongoing drama for about eight months now. When I first started looking, I had no clue what I was doing (if you watch the show "Property Virgins" the people buying homes are a lot like me). So I downloaded the real estate apps for Zillow and Realtor.com onto my iPad and started paging through online photos. I saved some that I liked, tracked them for a while, and then I started to get more serious. I got a Realtor and started going through homes. I've found a few that I've liked and I've made offers on two. The first was on a short sale that I loved. The second was on a really run-down home in a completely awesome neighborhood. Think sycamore tree-covered lanes. Yeah...that house was beautiful on the outside, but a dump on the inside. However, I was willing to live in a dump because I figured I could fix it up over time and then I'd be in this amazing neighborhood. But that house went to a house flipper who paid cash for it and had more money than I did. As for the short sale, well it got "sold" in March.

This show is so about me and my struggles.

Well one day in the first part of April, I noticed that the short sale I loved (the one mentioned above) hadn't actually been sold to a homeowner or investor (which is what I assumed had happened since it went off the market). I discovered it had been foreclosed upon, i.e. "sold to the bank."

My Realtor said, "Oh those are such a pain in the ass...let's just keep looking." He had no idea who to contact and really no energy to track down this title. He wanted it easy. You know...the kind where I pick out a regular home, we make an offer, and then I move in. Easy peasy. But he has no idea that I'm historically the person that never does anything easy.  To his credit, he tried to dissuade me by saying things like, "Foreclosures are terrible to deal with, and I've had them go sour over a year later." But I was not deterred. I gotta say this again...I really liked this house. And if it was foreclosed, then that means the bank owns it but doesn't want it, and I'm sure they'd like to unload it. Why not unload it on me? Why can't I be that person? Again, the Realtor just made a sour face, made a call, and said the title was owned by Bank of America. That's where he stopped by saying, "I left a voice mail with Bank of America but they never returned my call."

Okay...I get it dude. I'm going to have to take it from here. So I did. I researched Bank of America foreclosures, didn't find an email address, but I found a physical address. I'm a writer, and I write things, so I penned a snail mail letter and sent it off to Bank of America with a self addressed stamped envelope. Well after a few weeks of stalking and phone calling and even skulking around said property snapping pictures, the trail finally led to a law office. I called them on a Monday morning to inquire about said property and they said they were indeed the ones that represented Bank of America and that it would be put up sometime in May. Because of Freddie Mac standards, they said that it needed some TLC and they were fixing some carpet and doing some roof work. They were not specific in what "work" was to be done. However they were quite clear with my Realtor (when I told him to call them) that when it does go for sale, it will be more expensive than the short sale price.

Ugh. My bubble was burst. I thought foreclosures were supposed to be a deal and not cost more than the original listing. But it looks like Mike will not be getting a "deal." Ah well. I still don't have any clue what price they are going to want, but I've got my ducks in a row finance-wise and am ready to pounce on this foreclosure the minute it hits the market with as aggressive an offer as I can manage. I just hope that "the fixes" they did on the property won't drive the price up to a level I can't afford because the "short sale" price was totally within my budget.

Sure the lawn is essentially weeds, and there's no garage. But it has enough land that I can put in an over-sized two car garage at some point. As for the lawn, I'll get to that as well. I plan to put in a sprinkling system, a new fence, and maybe even a fountain and a deck. I dream of reading in the shade during summer. Did I mention it's near a huge park with really wonderful towering old trees and close to downtown? Oh and plant flowers out front...that is a must during spring/summer.

I'm just really insecure about getting this property. I wonder how many people are also interested in it or even know about it. I wonder how much the actual price is going to be. If I could get it for the price I want to pay (close to the short sale price) I would be in fat city for the rest of my life as far as my monthly payment goes. But I do have a plan if I fail. I'm going to find a lower rent apartment to move into and wait out another year to see if something I like pops its head up and screams "buy buy buy!"

>>>>> Please Welcome Jessica Bell <<<<<

Too many adverbs and clichés in your writing? I've got just the fix for you.
by Jessica Bell

Writers constantly have rules thrown at them left, right, and center. Show, don’t tell! Stop using so many dialogue tags! More sensory detail! More tension! Speed up the pace! Yada yada yada ... it can become overwhelming, yes? I used to feel overwhelmed by it all too. In fact, I still do sometimes. It’s hard enough to get the words on the page, let alone consider how to put them there.

In Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird, she says that in order not to be overwhelmed, a writer needs to focus on short assignments. She refers to the one-inch picture frame on her desk and how that little picture frame reminds her to focus on bite-sized pieces of the whole story. Basically, if you focus on one small thing at a time, the story will eventually come together to create a whole. I believe the same applies to learning the craft of writing. If writers focus on one aspect of the craft at a time, the process will seem less daunting and piece by piece it will come together.

My name’s Jessica Bell, and my own struggles with feeling overwhelmed inspired me to write the Writing in a Nutshell Series of pocket-sized writing guides. So you can learn to hone your craft in bite-sized, manageable pieces. In the first book of the series, I focused on demonstrating how to transition “telling” into “showing.” In Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell: Demonstrated Subversions of Adverbs & Clichés into Gourmet Imagery, I deal with another of the most common criticisms aspiring writers face: to absolutely avoid adverbs and clichés like the plague. But see, right now, I just used one of each. I also used a couple in the first two paragraphs of this post because they come naturally, and we utilize them frequently in everyday speech. But in fiction, too many adverbs and clichés weaken your prose. It’s considered “lazy writing,” because it means we don’t have to show what’s happening.

If your manuscript has too many adverbs and clichés, it most likely means that the emotion you felt while writing it is not going to translate to the reader in the same way. So how exactly can we approach the subversion of adverbs and clichés? For starters, play around with simile and metaphor when you’re trying to convey emotion, and for action, use strong verbs to show it happening in real time.

The key? Think smaller details rather than the bigger picture.

Need some help and inspiration?

In Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell: Demonstrated Subversions of Adverbs & Clichés into Gourmet Imagery, you will find thirty-four examples of prose which clearly demonstrate how to turn those pesky adverbs and clichés into vivid and unique imagery. Dispersed throughout are blank pages to craft your own unique examples. Extra writing prompts are also provided at the back of the book.

“Jessica Bell's latest pocket guide, Adverbs & Clichés in a Nutshell, will inspire you to leave bland behind and pursue your creative best. With force and clarity, she demonstrates how adverbs and clichés hobble vibrant writing. She then marks a course toward unique expression and provides workouts that will help writers at every level develop a distinctive voice.” ~Laurel Garver, freelance editor, author of Never Gone and Muddy-Fingered Midnights

Purchase links:
Amazon US | Amazon UK | Amazon Ca | Kobo

Bio: The Australian-native contemporary fiction author and poet, Jessica Bell, also makes a living as an editor and writer for global ELT publishers (English Language Teaching), such as Pearson Education, HarperCollins, Macmillan Education, Education First and Cengage Learning.

She is the co-publishing editor of Vine Leaves Literary Journal, and the director of the Homeric Writers’ Retreat & Workshop on the Greek island of Ithaca.

For more information about Jessica please visit:
Website | Blog | Twitter | Facebook

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Eleven Buck Rogers episodes that could also be porn titles

Even many decades later Buck Rogers in the 25th Century drips TOTALLY AWESOME GOO, and I'm about to splash your screen with copious amounts of it. Oh you probably have no idea of the NUMEROUS contributions to modern day science fiction that Buck Rogers has given us. For one, it pioneered big-haired women with huge boobs in fiction for a whole new generation of people. And it's still going on.

Have I gone insane you might ask? Pick up any young adult cover, and you'll see big hair all over the place. It's worse than hearing an Amish man say, "The Bible tells us that men should grow beards and women their hair long."

But if you don't believe me, check out the cover art on Brinda Berry's book The Waiting Booth, and you'll see where the "ahem" Buck Rogers influence comes into play front and center. And view any fantasy art (like seriously) from Dungeons and Dragons or any of its spin offs and you'll see the scantily clad vixens that grace such iconic Buck Rogers episodes as "Planet of the Slave Girls." Brinda for the record I LUV YOUR COVER ART!

Princess Ardala in one of the uniforms she wore on her spaceship full of men. IN the
future, women don't have to worry about sexual harassment. It's the men that have to worry.
She could be on a young adult cover from the neck down even today.

To be fair though, Buck Rogers did show women in a leadership err "position." Princess Ardala of the Draconian empire was well...a princess...and she had huge almost naked bodyguards like Tigerman and Pantherman. However, we didn't get to see Pantherman until the episode "Flight of the War Witch."

This is Pantherman, Princes Ardalla's uh...bodyguard. At one point
the ship starts shaking, and he has to stabilize poor Ardala in her nightgown
(because nightgowns are what Princesses wear on the bridge of a starship)
by gripping her in his strong arms. It's the most ludicrous thing I've seen,
but is highly entertaining to see her in turbulence and high heels.

Here's the plot synopsis (it's my favorite episode in the series): In "Flight of the War Witch" a UFO lands outside New Chicago and presents a device for navigating an interdimensional vortex. Learning of the device, Princess Ardala steals it and forces Buck to hurry and enter the wormhole before she can. (Yes, Ardala really does want Buck to enter that wormhole).

Once through, Buck finds the planet Pendar, whose people tell of their conflict with the Zaads, an enemy race ruled by the War Witch Zarina. Lacking the means to wage war, the Pendarans ask Buck to fight their enemy for them. Meanwhile, the Draconians have arrived but Ardala refuses to help the Pendarans. Buck also declines and the aliens withhold the means for returning to their universe leaving Buck and Ardala trapped with no other choice but to comply. Buck asks Ardala to join forces, but Ardala instead tries to befriend the wicked queen. However, Ardala's plan backfires when Zarina thinks her a spoiled child, and Ardala is forced to work with Buck in combating the Zaad forces after all.

Random sampling of hot space babes from a Buck Rogers episode. This is what five centuries
of botox, and implants give us. Does anyone want to sing "America the beautiful?" It takes
a whole other meaning in the 25th century.

If I remember correctly, Buck even gives Ardala a spanking. But don't quote me on that...I think my memory may be playing tricks on me as it's been years...

And before you laugh...remember that this show got greenlit and had pretty good special effects for its day. Has your story ever been greenlit for a television makeover? Nodding "no." Okay then, people that live in glass houses should not throw stones (I read that somewhere). But have hope! Maybe what you really need is a Buck Rogers-type makeover. I kid, I kid (SEE IMAGE BELOW)

Don't hate on me :'( I only suggested it for the lulz...

Dear Buck Rogers, oh you seventies vixen of a t.v. show, how I long for the return of your roller skates, big hair, and TERRIBLE EPISODE TITLES. I proudly present to ALL OF YOU my eleven picks of Buck Rogers episodes that could also be porn titles (proving that it's contributions to society are many if not overlooked):

1) The Dorian Secret
2) Ardala Returns
3) A Dream of Jennifer
4) Planet of the Amazon Women
5) Planet of the Slave Girls
6) Return of the Fighting 69th
7) Escape from Wedded Bliss
8) Unchained Woman
9) A Blast for Buck
10) The Hand of Goral
11) The Satyr

The lesson here, writers, is that if you want to make sure your work is enduring, don't put "69" in your title.

 Just. Don't.

*Giggle

In the comments, tell me the names of some science fiction episodes that you think might be great porn titles. Or, if you can't think of any, name some that are rips of well-known movies like "Saving Ryan's Privates" for "Saving Private Ryan." I love reading them ZOMGAH YESSS! YESSS! :P

***

My author friend, P.T. Dilloway has a new book out. It's called Time Enough to Say Goodbye and is available for purchase for only $2.99 on Smashwords. Click HERE to download now.

I reviewed this book on Goodreads, and you can read that HERE.

Some highlights from my review:

"It's a cross between the serious brooding Dark Knight reinvented by Christopher Nolan and the occult-noir DC/Vertigo big screen adaptation of “Constantine.”

"As usual, Patrick’s plotting is superb. I think the climax is action-packed, fantastic, and something you can’t put down. The temporal mechanics of time travel are original and well-done; I’ve never seen any superpower quite like the one Marie wields in any story. Marie Marsh is incredibly powerful, and I wonder if we'll see her again at some point. It almost seems inevitable, and I think of her as a "Dr. Who" of this series at this point. Fans of the Time Lords should rejoice!"

Have a positively fabulous Wednesday!

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What kink will the Hivemind accept or ridicule?

CLICK TO EMBIGGEN!

Dear reader,

I know you (like me) MUST be confused at what is proper to mock with abandon when it comes to kinks, fetishes, and sex. So I propose we develop a chart or list together that tells us what "The Hivemind" will accept.  That way we are on the right side of the line.  No one wants to be outside "The Hivemind", especially myself.

Imagine the embarrassment of making fun of light bondage when Fifty Shades of Grey is selling so well.  Who wants to be that person? You know...the only one to laugh at a joke while everyone else thinks you're an idiot.

I suggest we begin with the chart above. In the comments, please let us know which of these we can mock openly, ridicule, and say awful things about AND which ones are definitely reserved for respectful treatment.  

Have a great Monday.

P.S. I intend to submit our research to the Harry Potter fan fiction sites of the world. If you read Harry Potter fan fiction YOU KNOW EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

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I vote for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt

Sunday night's True Blood episode was the second to the last in the season, and it sucked balls (no pun intended). Why would I say that? Because of this fairy pictured below among other things too numerous to list. Like seriously, what the f*ck is this?

You are looking at a picture of the oldest and wisest fairy in the world of True Blood. She's thousands of years old, has untold powers, has experienced life as many beings and traveled to many realms of existence. Sookie has sought her out to get answers about a mysterious contract involving vampires and her father. In case you aren't taking this fairy seriously, here's another shot of her, looking very powerful and very serious.

Okay, maybe not powerful. But she's serious.  Serious about what people think of Boys2Men and John Cougar Mellencamp. I'm not kidding.

So what does this fairy do? She does this crazy dance on a stage and asks Sookie about KE$HA. Like seriously? I thought maybe this character could have been somewhat interesting when she shuddered at hearing that the oldest vampire in the world, Russell Edgington, was alive. For the record, Sookie didn't know who Ke$ha was.

"Ke$ha, for or against?" She asks the
important questions.

So the fairies come up with a plan to trap Russell and gang bang him with all their powers. But the elder fairy steps up and says, "I got this!" with confidence. "You all just stay back here and watch." So all the fairies do just that, and the most powerful fairy struts out there, blows away Steve Newlin and then...misses Russell.

Then Russell sucks her until her face caves in. The only thing good about Russell is his overacting. It's as good as Mama Firefly in "The Devil's Rejects." In case you haven't watched, "The Devil's Rejects" it's a slasher film that manages to be hilariously funny. Mama Firefly all tied in a chair laughs hysterically "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA," and it's just craaaazy cause it goes on way too long. Russell's the same way.  "I'M SUCKIN' ON HEAVEEENNNN!!"

Mother Firefly. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a psychopathic murdering
serial killer that has a serious case of overacting-itis. That's the inflammation
of the overacting gland that afflicts actors who star in bad movies.

It's the stupidest thing I have seen since the movie Dragonslayer.  For those of you who don't know, Dragonslayer is one of the worst, one of the stupidest, one of the most horrible fantasy films ever made (some thirty years ago). In the first five minutes, we get introduced to a wizard of great power. He lights some fires, has a formidable appearance, is being followed by a kid who wants to learn to be a wizard too. It's a great setup.

Then some men show up on horseback. The wizard goes out to greet them, and they want him to kill a dragon. Okay...so this might get good. Then the wizard and the warrior don't see exactly eye-to-eye. The warrior pulls a knife on the wizard and the wizard says (just like the eldest fairy in True Blood) "Your weapons can't hurt me!" So we're expecting some magic, right? We're expecting this wizard to show up the warrior.

The wizard looks cool, right? He dies in the first five minutes after
uttering the famous words, "Your weapons can't hurt me." Yeah right. Loser.

Well the warrior stabs the wizard and...the wizard dies.

Let me phrase this another way. This would be just like Gandalf saying to the Balrog, "YOU CANNOT PASS!" and then having the Balrog kick him off the bridge and everyone standing around saying, "uhhh...did that demon just kick that senior citizen off the bridge? We all need to run, yo!" And then have Legolas all snap  his fingers Lafayette style.

WHAT THE HELL? I gaze at my watch? Ten minutes into the movie and the wizard is f'ing dead. Then the rest of the movie just drags ass to a stupid ending with a dragon that doesn't even look like a dragon anyway.

So yeah...oldest fairy in the world walks out to Russell Edgington and...is dead.

Please HBO, redeem yourself by giving us a season finale that has a final shot of a blood soaked Russell sitting atop a mountain of faeries, werewolves, shapeshifters, and the entire population of Bon Temps. He'd laugh like Jabba the Hutt and have Steve Newlin as his Salacious Crumb and Eric as his Dancing Leia Slave.

Okay replace the image of Jabba with that of Russell Edgington all gorged in blood.
Leia needs to be Eric Northman, shirtless, and Salacious Crumb should be Steve Newlin.

Minus Lafayette for lines like this (don't kill my Lafayette):

I think I could be on board with that. So raise your hand if you too are voting for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt. A little Star Wars could only improve the writing in this show. Hell bring on Jar-Jar Binks. I could be entertained as he says, "Meesa wanna have a slumber party with young naked vamps."

Oh and HBO, could we have one episode where Sam and Luna are not naked? They have been naked this ENTIRE SEASON. They were even naked when they went to get their daughter. Guys who don't watch this show, I'm not exaggerating. Sam and Luna really have been naked all season.

At least they knew to show Alcide shirtless whenever a scene cropped up with him in it. Altogether, I think he may have gotten at least five minutes of time this season.

Why oh why do I watch this sh*t? I'm gonna go facepalm now as I am truly disgusted with myself.

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True Blood is one of the worst things on television that you should watch regularly

My really guilty pleasure is watching True Blood during the summer. This show is just plain awful and the writing is so bad. Yet, I enjoy it thoroughly. Here's the laundry list of things that you really should never do (from JUST one episode), but no one is telling Charlaine Harris or the makers of True Blood:

1) Half the cast got high on blood and then gave each other...piggy back rides.

2) They hired an awesome actor (Christopher Meloni) from the Law & Order series and then just gave him a few lines and killed him off.

3) We have vampire night vision. Why do we even need this?

4) We have another plot line still continuing from the past...you know, the fae one...where I guess we give bullsh*t lines to Sooki about her luminescence and how she's basically a battery and is gonna run out.

5) We have another plot line with a raging Ifrit or Efreet or some djinn thing chasing Belflour.

6) We have another plot line with Lafayette and former lover Jesus (who is now just a disembodied head with his lips sewn together). Oh and the same lip sewing happened to Lafayette who had the courage to spit in the face of the guy holding the gun on him but then didn't take the gun away.

7) We have another plot line with Lilith becoming real. Why did we need another cast member?

8) We have another plot line with Alcide challenging the wolf pack leader for supremacy. The other wolf leader is unworthy because he's a drug addict.

9) We have another plot line with humans using Barack Obama rubber masks to kill vampires. They call themselves a "hate group" and serve someone called "Dragon" but we don't know who that is yet. They managed to suck in Hoyt who is angry at Jessica for dumping him for Jason Stackhouse (his buddy). Sam Merlott is kind of in on this plot line and does a lot of sniffing and rolling around on the floor like a dog. It's bad acting, looks bad, and is just plain stupid.

10) We have another plot line with Tara as a vampire who is slowly de-icing Pam's heart. Somewhere in all of this, Tara's mom shows up and says she's married to a preacher now and that "she can't have no daughter who is strippin'! and bein' all vampire-like."

My head is spinning. How could the writers let all of these plotlines get out of control like this. Why are there now so many cast members in True Blood that I can't keep track of them? It's ridiculous.

But yeah...I'll be watching again on Sunday. So terrible, I know. I'm part of the problem.

True Blood is one of the worst things on television that you should watch regularly. If anything, it will tell you that 1) terrible makes CA$H and 2) If you want to have respect as a writer, don't do this sh*t in your stories. But then, you probably won't make #1.

Have a great Wednesday.

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Welcome oh women of the world. You have now joined the ranks of masturbating men.

The very definition of guilty pleasure it seems is when you indulge in something that you know you shouldn't because it is inherently bad for you. In other words, you go and get that ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery or you eat that piece of raspberry cheesecake. You savor its incredible tasty goodness yet dread that you may get diabetes or in the least, your pants won't fit anymore in the morning.

When I take my Healthy Utah walk with my partner who is a 48-year-old single mother, she tells me about Fifty Shades of Grey and how she can't wait for her train ride because it means forty minutes of uninterrupted time with Christian Grey. She also says that she makes sure to hide the cover while she's on the train. I smirk to myself as I ask her how she likes the infamous "tampon sex" scene. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is the excerpt (it's rated-R so skip if you don't want your eyes seared out):

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers.

Will it always be like this? So overwhelming, so all-consuming, so bewildering and beguiling. I wanted to talk, but now I’m […]

The one sentence that my walking partner uses to describe this book is "it's so romantic". I just call it porn (and I have nothing against porn). But I think it's odd that so many people seem surprised that this kind of writing is out there. I've seen it for almost two decades now, have read quite a bit of it, and didn't think much of it. I actually thought of it as "low brow" writing myself. I have a few pornographic stories that I hide on my computer. I'm thinking that there might be a market for them now. Who knew, right? I mean, there was a time when I would never have admitted that I wrote those kinds of stories. The world is changing so much.

Nathan Bransford (some of you may have heard of him) wrote in a blog post about a topic called "Are we stripping modern books bare?" You can find it HERE. The general writing advice is that modern readers no longer have the attention span for diversions in plot and want things pared down to bare bones. That is how great writing is seen these days. Only here's the thing...the "great writers" like Franzen aren't "great" by most standards outside of universities because they don't outsell E.L. James or Stephanie Meyer. The measure of success is money right? Anyone that disagrees with me, answer this question: would you like to have a million dollars or a blue ribbon that says "first place?" If you can't have both, I'd take the million dollars.

Character driven stories are what's selling. So is your boy meets girl better than
other boy meets girl stories? For James, maybe it was the courage to incorporate
bondage. But now that this cat is out of the bag, the bar will need to be raised
further to get the same arousal. It's kind of like heroin addiction, right?

So maybe the greatest advice really for any modern writer really has to do with the ultimate in "paring down" if you want to have a career as a writer and nothing else. I'm of course being snarky here. But there is something to be said about throwing out the plot. What I'm saying is that the things that REALLY sell seem to me to really have no story anymore. They are "character driven"...two words that mean the author admits, "I have no idea where this story is going." Two words that mean "I have no idea how to storyboard and don't care. My protag is just gonna 'bump' into things and stuff will just happen."

Sure, this is probably a "guilty pleasure" because filling shelves at a library with books that have no plot is probably overall bad for society as a whole. But without a socialized system in place to encourage writing of other kinds to flourish, that is (unfortunately) what we are going to get. A society that binges on fast food, watches Jersey Shore, and reads plotless sexy books.

I've read on numerous writer blogs the emphasis that readers want "character driven" stories. I think this means that they want you to start with a character, have no direction in mind, and just "pants" the hell out of the story until that character hooks up with someone else and they have sex (in YA it would need to be almost sex). But you need to draw in all the right words to raise the heat. I guess that's where the writer comes into play.

I'm not trying to slam writers who start out with a girl who then meets a guy and they get it on (Here's looking at you E.L. James). Or even worse...the writers who couldn't even invent a world of their own but just wrote fan fiction and changed some names. I guess the one thing that boggles my mind is why such trash is making so much money in the first place. Now don't get me wrong. I'm a HUGE consumer of trash. And I unabashedly admit "I like trash." I'll read trash, watch trash, all by myself or in front of people while nom noming on a jelly doughnut. I don't care. I'm really the kind of person that would read porn in front of someone holding up the magazine so you can see what I'm reading. I have no shame as far as that goes because I don't care what anyone thinks of me. But back to my question...

Maybe the reason this stuff makes so much money is because no one has an appreciation for something that is truly good, because "good things" have become so rare in today's society? Or maybe it's because pornography has remained particularly taboo for women to explore and finding it in a book allows them to indulge the guilty pleasure while remaining clean and prim for church on Sunday. I can look at porn on my computer whenever I want. But maybe other people in other lives would like to do so, but don't because of "restrictions" that their lifestyle enforces upon them.

Whatever the case, E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey is the flagship of guilty money makers of written pornography. It's utter trash, but it's the kind of utter trash that everyone wants. It's the kind that has clogged the hard drives of teenage boys for years. I don't understand it. Yet, I salute the women of the world who have joined the ranks of perverted, masturbating men.

It's about time.

The whole "Puritan"/"Scarlet Letter" thing left over from when America was founded centuries ago is finally gone. Now we just need more male strip clubs like the ones in Magic Mike in more cities, especially those found in Utah. Women...get out and support these. The future is yours.

Check out the animated tampon scene below. It's a preview of what you'll get in the movie adaptation.

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I love that I live in the golden age of trash fiction

The website io9 recently did an article on the golden age of trash culture, and I couldn't agree more. You can read the whole article HERE. In the TL;DR version, basically "there is more corporate-funded trash being unleashed on the public than ever before... and meanwhile, there's a huge wave of new-media trash coming as well."

Isn't it glorious?

All the movie adaptation of this book needs is to cast
Alex Pettyfer as the guy. That's it. Ka-Ching. Google
Alex Pettyfer and you'll see what I'm talking about.

With free books and or 99 cent offerings on kindle, we have access to wafer-thin characters in just about every paranormal situation you could shake a stake at. The rise of erotica with such offerings as Fifty Shades of Gray and the subsequent sequels are plain awesome. Plus you can read smutty books on the kindle in the subway or on the train because no one can see what you're reading so you don't have to be embarrassed by the fact that you're secretly into whips and chains or possess bizarre sex fetishes.

On television insanity rules. Basically, nothing is too insane or too out there. Really, writing has broken through a boundary where you can literally string together a story from four random dice rolls (roll twice in the first section) and it seems to work. Example:

1 A guy who gets naked a lot
2 A girl who gets naked a lot
3 A vampire who gets naked a lot
4 A werewolf who gets naked a lot
5 An alien from the planet Shmieldorf who gets naked a lot
6 A ghost who gets naked a lot

1 Don't have sex but falls in tortured love
2 Can manipulate fire but is a cheerleader
3 Can read minds but feels guilty about that
4 Can teleport into a person's dreams and realizes they are actually dead in real life
5 Learns magic at a school for magical peeps
6 Drives a BMW hybrid while listening to Chicago love songs

1 Takes Newt Gingrich to a moon colony.
2 Saves the world from Goatzilla
3 Pimps minors out for sex
4 Finds a duck with super powers and prevents an alien invasion
5 Wins a game show in a post apocalyptic setting
6 Gets married.

Okay my rolls using my trusty 6-sided dice are: 3, 4, 4, 6
My new story plot is "A vampire who gets naked a lot and a werewolf who gets naked a lot can teleport into a person's dreams and realizes that they are actually dead in real life and then gets married."

I don't think these kinds of stories could have ever had a place in the 80's or the 90's because people would see through them. But now...bring it on baby. Just look at True Blood. I'm addicted to this show which has about as flimsy a writing as anything. In Sunday's episode, a guy talks to Bill Compton and gestures at a book. He says, "Do you know what this is?" Bill answers, "It's a Bible." But then goes on to say that it's not "THE Bible" but the "original testament"...you know...the vampire Bible and then they go on to say how vampires came first and were really god's children and how Adam and Eve came later and it just shows how humans were meant to feed vampires.

Brilliantly written dialogue? Alcide is awesome. This really is

the written conversation. Not kidding.

What did I think of that background? It was both brilliant and incredibly stupid trash and I loved it. The mire of bullshit that flows from writers these days is awesome. In our trashy culture...pure bullshit reigns. You can explain anything away in your plot--plausible no longer matters, just make it up. For television and movies, you don't even need to script it. This kind of thinking can be done on the fly as long as it sounds clever. And being random is now king.

Random True Blood baby eater character that got more lines 
than Alcide 

Random characters (like those in the above picture) are key to trashy stories. Have you seen Jersey Shore? Random is that cast's bread and butter. That and tanning, big bewbs, and tequila.

From the article, io9 points out that Michael Bay is one of the greatest film makers alive. Have you seen a Michael Bay film? All you need are explosions. That's it. Check out one of the greatest moments in last night's True Blood episode. Jessica (the red-head) gave Steve (a former religious pastor) a "Fang Boner" by describing Jason Stackhouse's butt and cock to him and offering to sell him for $20,000.00 since she technically has the rights to Jason's body. How is this at all great television? I have no idea, but I'm glued to the screen like millions of other watchers in America every Sunday with our bowls of Cheetos and our guts hanging out over our belts muttering, "damn...this show is GOOOOOODDDD. Mmmmhmmm."

So writers...WRITE MORE TRASH! WE NEEDSSES IT. There clearly isn't enough. Twilight, as an example, is getting rebooted by Lion's Gate because they don't want to lose their cash cow. Yep, they are going to cast a whole new group of people right after Breaking Dawn, Part Two shatters records this fall.

I can't wait. I hope they get a better looking Edward. #JustSayin

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How to write good

That just about explains it all, now doesn't it?

:) Have a great Monday.

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