The Cool, the disturbing, and the vulgar of season five's finale of True Blood

Ever wonder how the oldest vampire in the world would die and what he'd say? Russell Edgington to Eric "Well, f*ck." Edgington was in the episode for less than five minutes. Like that joins some kind of Kate Beckinsale quota of flashing tit before title. I want to borrow a quote from Lafayette...

Kind of anticlimactic to kill the oldest vampire in the world like that, don't you think? However, "anticlimactic" does not describe Sunday's episode of True Blood. It was by far, the most satisfying episode of the season. I think it could have stood by itself, and HBO could have just canceled all the others. For one, this episode had a HUGE body count. It reminded me of "Body Count" by Ice-T.

The Cool Stuff:

Eric killed Russell Edgington after an entire field of fairies pooling their magic couldn't even make him pause in his monologue. You know it's bad when all the power you and your allies can muster won't stifle a monologue. But just like in the Incredibles, Russell got caught monologuing and Eric squished him.

Eric and Sookie were like Batman and Catwoman teaming up to face the bad guy. 

Salome got snuffed. She drank up the Jesus juice, only Bill spiked it with silver. How could you not see that one coming? And it wasn't the Jesus/Lilith juice anyway. Maybe it was just Kool-Aid.

Tons of people died. HBO cleared house AND it's about damned time. Jason Stackhouse took out like ten vamps. Eric killed ten. Tara killed about five. Eric's sister killed about ten. And in True Blood, when vamps die, they explode like water balloons filled with food coloring.

Jason Stackhouse as vamp slaying commando had me at "Fang banger!"

Tara French-kissed Pam. Serious vamp on vamp, interracial, face sucking goin' on. *Throws confetti. Best line from Jessica, "I KNEW IT!" Yes you did, honey. Yes you did. But so did we. *yawn

You would never guess that Pam was a former hooker by the way she dresses.

Bill became a naked vampire god. It isn't True Blood unless you are drenched in blood and running around naked. And his fangs were larger than Eric's. Yeah, you read that right. Vampires are size queens too.

Bill's fangs are bigger than Eric's. Sookie can verify that. She's been with both.

Alcide killed the deranged wolf-pack master and got twice as many lines in one episode as he's had all season. However, he didn't kill the wolf pack master shirtless. I take away one point for this short-sightedness on HBO's part.

Roz is killed by Sam expanding in her head. That's the only thing about this entire season of shapeshifters that paid off.

The Disturbing Stuff:

Sam Merlott doing reconnaissance as a house fly when he wasn't nude. It was ten minutes too long, which is probably precisely the amount of time they could have spent cutting all that out entirely. I guess they needed to wrap up the Emma storyline, not that there even was one to begin with.

Andy Belflour's pregnant fairy woman gave birth to four kids. Only birth sounds a lot like orgasms, there's lots of light emanating from "down there" and it apparently requires a lot of salt as she downed an entire container of Morton's. I guess fairies don't have to worry about their sodium levels.

My favorite lines from the birthing scene:

"My light broke."
"Who knew watching an alien giving birth could be so comforting?"
"Andy Belflour, you're a dick."

"I only slept with her twice in the time I've been dating you." At least
he's honest, ladies. Oh infidelity thou art a cruel mistress,
especially when the other woman is a fairy.

The Vulgar Stuff:

Jason and Eric hit it off like schoolhouse buddies.  Here's their exchange (NOTE that it's less effective unless you visualize Jason's lines said in a thick southern accent):

Jason: Fanger

Eric: Blood Bag

Jason: Leach

Eric: Breather

Jason: Dead F*ck

Eric: Meat sack.

Jason: "If I want to be a fool, I will be a fool. That's my God-given right as an American."

Ain't that the truth. Oh True Blood, I shall miss your craptasticness. Writers of the world who receive rejection after rejection, take heart from True Blood. Know that you are rejected because your writing is NOT THIS GOOD. Long live Sookie Stackhouse!

Have a great Tuesday. Ciao.

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I vote for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt

Sunday night's True Blood episode was the second to the last in the season, and it sucked balls (no pun intended). Why would I say that? Because of this fairy pictured below among other things too numerous to list. Like seriously, what the f*ck is this?

You are looking at a picture of the oldest and wisest fairy in the world of True Blood. She's thousands of years old, has untold powers, has experienced life as many beings and traveled to many realms of existence. Sookie has sought her out to get answers about a mysterious contract involving vampires and her father. In case you aren't taking this fairy seriously, here's another shot of her, looking very powerful and very serious.

Okay, maybe not powerful. But she's serious.  Serious about what people think of Boys2Men and John Cougar Mellencamp. I'm not kidding.

So what does this fairy do? She does this crazy dance on a stage and asks Sookie about KE$HA. Like seriously? I thought maybe this character could have been somewhat interesting when she shuddered at hearing that the oldest vampire in the world, Russell Edgington, was alive. For the record, Sookie didn't know who Ke$ha was.

"Ke$ha, for or against?" She asks the
important questions.

So the fairies come up with a plan to trap Russell and gang bang him with all their powers. But the elder fairy steps up and says, "I got this!" with confidence. "You all just stay back here and watch." So all the fairies do just that, and the most powerful fairy struts out there, blows away Steve Newlin and then...misses Russell.

Then Russell sucks her until her face caves in. The only thing good about Russell is his overacting. It's as good as Mama Firefly in "The Devil's Rejects." In case you haven't watched, "The Devil's Rejects" it's a slasher film that manages to be hilariously funny. Mama Firefly all tied in a chair laughs hysterically "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA," and it's just craaaazy cause it goes on way too long. Russell's the same way.  "I'M SUCKIN' ON HEAVEEENNNN!!"

Mother Firefly. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a psychopathic murdering
serial killer that has a serious case of overacting-itis. That's the inflammation
of the overacting gland that afflicts actors who star in bad movies.

It's the stupidest thing I have seen since the movie Dragonslayer.  For those of you who don't know, Dragonslayer is one of the worst, one of the stupidest, one of the most horrible fantasy films ever made (some thirty years ago). In the first five minutes, we get introduced to a wizard of great power. He lights some fires, has a formidable appearance, is being followed by a kid who wants to learn to be a wizard too. It's a great setup.

Then some men show up on horseback. The wizard goes out to greet them, and they want him to kill a dragon. Okay...so this might get good. Then the wizard and the warrior don't see exactly eye-to-eye. The warrior pulls a knife on the wizard and the wizard says (just like the eldest fairy in True Blood) "Your weapons can't hurt me!" So we're expecting some magic, right? We're expecting this wizard to show up the warrior.

The wizard looks cool, right? He dies in the first five minutes after
uttering the famous words, "Your weapons can't hurt me." Yeah right. Loser.

Well the warrior stabs the wizard and...the wizard dies.

Let me phrase this another way. This would be just like Gandalf saying to the Balrog, "YOU CANNOT PASS!" and then having the Balrog kick him off the bridge and everyone standing around saying, "uhhh...did that demon just kick that senior citizen off the bridge? We all need to run, yo!" And then have Legolas all snap  his fingers Lafayette style.

WHAT THE HELL? I gaze at my watch? Ten minutes into the movie and the wizard is f'ing dead. Then the rest of the movie just drags ass to a stupid ending with a dragon that doesn't even look like a dragon anyway.

So yeah...oldest fairy in the world walks out to Russell Edgington and...is dead.

Please HBO, redeem yourself by giving us a season finale that has a final shot of a blood soaked Russell sitting atop a mountain of faeries, werewolves, shapeshifters, and the entire population of Bon Temps. He'd laugh like Jabba the Hutt and have Steve Newlin as his Salacious Crumb and Eric as his Dancing Leia Slave.

Okay replace the image of Jabba with that of Russell Edgington all gorged in blood.
Leia needs to be Eric Northman, shirtless, and Salacious Crumb should be Steve Newlin.

Minus Lafayette for lines like this (don't kill my Lafayette):

I think I could be on board with that. So raise your hand if you too are voting for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt. A little Star Wars could only improve the writing in this show. Hell bring on Jar-Jar Binks. I could be entertained as he says, "Meesa wanna have a slumber party with young naked vamps."

Oh and HBO, could we have one episode where Sam and Luna are not naked? They have been naked this ENTIRE SEASON. They were even naked when they went to get their daughter. Guys who don't watch this show, I'm not exaggerating. Sam and Luna really have been naked all season.

At least they knew to show Alcide shirtless whenever a scene cropped up with him in it. Altogether, I think he may have gotten at least five minutes of time this season.

Why oh why do I watch this sh*t? I'm gonna go facepalm now as I am truly disgusted with myself.

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