Sunday night's True Blood episode was the second to the last in the season, and it sucked balls (no pun intended). Why would I say that? Because of this fairy pictured below among other things too numerous to list. Like seriously, what the f*ck is this?
You are looking at a picture of the oldest and wisest fairy in the world of True Blood. She's thousands of years old, has untold powers, has experienced life as many beings and traveled to many realms of existence. Sookie has sought her out to get answers about a mysterious contract involving vampires and her father. In case you aren't taking this fairy seriously, here's another shot of her, looking very powerful and very serious.
Okay, maybe not powerful. But she's serious. Serious about what people think of Boys2Men and John Cougar Mellencamp. I'm not kidding.So what does this fairy do? She does this crazy dance on a stage and asks Sookie about KE$HA. Like seriously? I thought maybe this character could have been somewhat interesting when she shuddered at hearing that the oldest vampire in the world, Russell Edgington, was alive. For the record, Sookie didn't know who Ke$ha was.
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| "Ke$ha, for or against?" She asks theimportant questions. |
So the fairies come up with a plan to trap Russell and gang bang him with all their powers. But the elder fairy steps up and says, "I got this!" with confidence. "You all just stay back here and watch." So all the fairies do just that, and the most powerful fairy struts out there, blows away Steve Newlin and then...misses Russell.Then Russell sucks her until her face caves in. The only thing good about Russell is his overacting. It's as good as Mama Firefly in "The Devil's Rejects." In case you haven't watched, "The Devil's Rejects" it's a slasher film that manages to be hilariously funny. Mama Firefly all tied in a chair laughs hysterically "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA," and it's just craaaazy cause it goes on way too long. Russell's the same way. "I'M SUCKIN' ON HEAVEEENNNN!!"
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| Mother Firefly. Don't feel sorry for her. She's a psychopathic murderingserial killer that has a serious case of overacting-itis. That's the inflammationof the overacting gland that afflicts actors who star in bad movies. |
It's the stupidest thing I have seen since the movie
Dragonslayer. For those of you who don't know,
Dragonslayer is one of the worst, one of the stupidest, one of the most horrible fantasy films ever made (some thirty years ago). In the first five minutes, we get introduced to a wizard of great power. He lights some fires, has a formidable appearance, is being followed by a kid who wants to learn to be a wizard too. It's a great setup.Then some men show up on horseback. The wizard goes out to greet them, and they want him to kill a dragon. Okay...so this might get good. Then the wizard and the warrior don't see exactly eye-to-eye. The warrior pulls a knife on the wizard and the wizard says (just like the eldest fairy in True Blood) "Your weapons can't hurt me!" So we're expecting some magic, right? We're expecting this wizard to show up the warrior.
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| The wizard looks cool, right? He dies in the first five minutes afteruttering the famous words, "Your weapons can't hurt me." Yeah right. Loser. |
Well the warrior stabs the wizard and...the wizard dies.Let me phrase this another way. This would be just like Gandalf saying to the Balrog, "YOU CANNOT PASS!" and then having the Balrog kick him off the bridge and everyone standing around saying, "uhhh...did that demon just kick that senior citizen off the bridge? We all need to run, yo!" And then have Legolas all snap his fingers Lafayette style.WHAT THE HELL? I gaze at my watch? Ten minutes into the movie and the wizard is f'ing dead. Then the rest of the movie just drags ass to a stupid ending with a dragon that doesn't even look like a dragon anyway.So yeah...oldest fairy in the world walks out to Russell Edgington and...is dead.Please HBO, redeem yourself by giving us a season finale that has a final shot of a blood soaked Russell sitting atop a mountain of faeries, werewolves, shapeshifters, and the entire population of Bon Temps. He'd laugh like Jabba the Hutt and have Steve Newlin as his Salacious Crumb and Eric as his Dancing Leia Slave.
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| Okay replace the image of Jabba with that of Russell Edgington all gorged in blood.Leia needs to be Eric Northman, shirtless, and Salacious Crumb should be Steve Newlin. |
Minus Lafayette for lines like this (don't kill my Lafayette):
I think I could be on board with that. So raise your hand if you too are voting for Russell Edgington as the new Jabba the Hutt. A little Star Wars could only improve the writing in this show. Hell bring on Jar-Jar Binks. I could be entertained as he says, "Meesa wanna have a slumber party with young naked vamps."
Oh and HBO, could we have one episode where Sam and Luna are not naked? They have been naked this ENTIRE SEASON. They were even naked when they went to get their daughter. Guys who don't watch this show, I'm not exaggerating. Sam and Luna really have been naked all season.
At least they knew to show Alcide shirtless whenever a scene cropped up with him in it. Altogether, I think he may have gotten at least five minutes of time this season.
Why oh why do I watch this sh*t? I'm gonna go facepalm now as I am truly disgusted with myself.
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