Once Upon A Time's Magic Vagina Hole

Sunday night's Once Upon A Time advertised the new branch off series Once Upon A Time in Wonderland using a most awkward "magic vagina hole." Seriously, does anyone even look at these things before they're broadcast to millions of people? As in placement on a screen? In any event, many lulz have resulted which makes me happy.

Have a great Tuesday. And please...be mindful of strange holes that lead to other universes.

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How talk of Godzilla 2014 produced the nerdiest conversation this side of the internet

I don't know if I should even admit to this, but yes, I comment on io9 on some of the silliest topics and sometimes the conversations I get into with fellow nerds are nothing short of epic.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you see above is the tail of Godzilla as it will appear in the 2014 Hollywood reboot of the "king of all monsters." It debuted at this year's San Diego Comic Con: a celebration of nerds so huge that it holds entire industries hostage each time it starts. And of course, anything worth a nerdgasm or two is going to be hosted by this guy: Chris Hardwick.

You may recognize him from the television show, The Talking Dead, or another television show, The Nerdist. Yes, it's not just you. Both of those shows have nerd/geek written all over them. Well he was at the epicenter of the Godzilla panel as well. For the record I like Chris Hardwick.

So here's what io9 has to say. Pay attention, by the way, because it relates to my oh so intelligent comment that produced the nerdiest conversation this side of the internet:

There was tons of shots of disasters and people running and human characters, and more of that in a second. But the centerpiece of the footage was a sequence where a big monster is attacking an airport, shredding airplanes and trashing buildings. It looks sort of like the Cloverfield monster with a more of a beetle-like carapace and spindly insect legs. It looks massive and powerful.

Yesterday, director Gareth Edwards told us there would be other creatures in the film — and here's our first sight of one. It looks scary and huge.

And then Godzilla's foot comes down next to the creature. Godzilla's FOOT. Which is dwarfing this poor spindly little creature.

And then there's a massive hero shot of this previously big-looking creature looming over the airport, and then Godzilla rises up behind it, and it's like a skyscraper next to a hut. Godzilla is this ginormous dark scaly beast with a gaping maw and a mighty screaming roar, and the crowd basically lost its shit. Host Chris Hardwick made a joke about people having to change their pants, and this seemed totally accurate.

Those of you that know me probably realize I'm good for a comment or two. Here's what I wrote:

And lo and behold, here are the responses:

Click to EMBIGGEN in order to read.

OMG...I love nerds. My favorite answer from this batch is from Tim Smith. He took my question seriously (as should all people because anything I say is worth paying attention to), and I love how he broke down the issue of the kaiju scientifically. Not to be outdone, other nerds chimed in:

Click to EMBIGGEN in order to read.

My favorite response in this batch comes from "kewlball" although I do like the "throwdown" potential initiated by commenter igndk11r when he said, "Category 7. He'd atomize a Jaeger in a single atomic breath." I should reply, "Says you! But 'Gypsy Danger' has got some serious kung fu cred with Mako at the helm, and she'd sidestep your atomic breath to give your big Godzuki a shot of liquid nitro TO THE FACE! BAM! The 'King of all Monsters' just got his ass kicked by a leftover prop from Evangelion. How do you like them apples? Boo Yah!"

I dare you to point out which one of these is the female. THAT is the fun
of all Japanese anime, inventor of the original "twink badass."

As entertaining as that is, I do feel obligated to point out that I may have failed all of you by NOT asking a more important question: But...but...will Godzilla be able to fly in this new movie? Because this footage from a TOHO film (considered canon by kaiju lovers) clearly shows that Godzilla has jet powers:

I would have loved to have heard Chris Hardwick trying to answer my question. I'm sure he'd have all kinds of fun with it. But alas...there is so much to discuss about Godzilla that the questions are probably endless.

*DISCLAIMER: I am in fact jealous that I did not come up with the handle "Octopussoup." Names like that are the only way to get respect in the prestigious kaiju community forums. Sigh and *hangs head in shame.

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The real world physics that could make the scenario of SyFy's Sharknado a distinct possibility and what you should do to protect yourself

Summer may be hot, but it isn't hot enough without flying shark eating
Tara Reid "OM NOM NOM NOM" ... Sharknado is an actual T.V. movie.

Summers are getting really hot, and I'm not talking about six-pac abs and string bikini hot (although I guess I wouldn't mind being on the beach to see at least some of that). Just a year ago, we had the hottest month on record. Ever. And everyone from scientists who study climate change to insurance adjusters paying out claims is asking, "Is this normal?" Now, just to be clear, I'm not trying to start a political debate and ask what side of the climate change argument you are on. However, I do want to tell you about one super crazy idea that just may be a possibility in the near future (it's super scary when you consider it could create flying sharks!)

In a paper published in the Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, physicist Rob Wood is proposing than an experiment be conducted on a small scale where marine stratocumulus clouds are seeded with a lot of tiny sea water particles. The effect they are looking for is to significantly enhance cloud droplet number concentration, and thereby cloud reflectivity and longevity. The result: a cooling effect.

The proposed barge that could be used to seed clouds with sea water
to cool down the atmosphere. But unless there are filters to keep sharks out
we could totally be looking at a Sharknado scenario.

Initially, the project would deploy sprayers like the one pictured above to ensure that enough salt water particulate can be blasted high enough into the sky. In turn, a plane equipped with sensors would monitor the physical and chemical characteristics of the particles and how they disperse. Cool, right? Well maybe not so much.

Here's my train of thought: sea water doesn't appear to be initially dangerous. However, when I bother to look deeper and start to think of their delivery system, and how it could possibly blast microscopic algae, bacteria, fungus, minerals...literally anything in ocean water...my imagination goes wild. Sure...the "reasonable" person in me says that this living stuff wouldn't survive the process.

BUT THE SCI-FI WRITER IN ME ASKS: WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SHARKS THAT GET SUCKED UP INTO THE MACHINE?  Cause the ocean totally has sharks in it and they nom nom nom on people ALL the time.

And I suddenly had this epiphany that "bold" font simply does not have the power to express but I shall give it the old college try: OMG..."SHARKNADO!"

Those brilliant guys at SyFy sooo saw this coming....

Here's the synopsis:

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace. And when the high speed winds form tornadoes in the desert, nature's deadliest killer rules water, land, and air!

Starring Tara Reid (the Academy Award Winning [okay not really] actress from American Pie) and John Heard, Sharknado premieres on SyFy on Pacific Rim Eve (Thursday is now "Pacific Rim Eve" and Friday is "Pacific Rim Day").

But guys, after having read my explanation of how the cloud seeding works can't you see that there are real world physics that could make the scenario in Sharknado for reals? 

I know, it's terrifying right?

So let's go over the things you should do to protect yourself should a Sharknado happen for real in your home town:

1) Get yourself a suit of riot armor and don't go outside without it. Flying sharks don't like the taste of riot armor, and they will avoid eating you for someone who is plump and juicy (which describes most Americans). 

2) Don't eat at Long John Silvers. Sharks can smell fish on you and if you've been eating there, chances are, they will consume you out of revenge. I know this is a fact because there's a movie called "Jaws the Revenge!" So it's totally real.

According to NPR, this "heart attack on a hook" has 33 grams of fat, 1320
calories, and almost 3700 milligrams of sodium. Not to mention that kids
will call you "fatty" and sharks will want to eat you.

3) Get a bigger gun. You know...something the NRA would approve of because flying sharks are dangerous.

Don't be frightened by its size. You can buy it without a background check
online thanks to Congress. Just get a couple of these babies and pack them
with you to the grocery store so in case the Sharknado hits, YOU ARE
PREPARED!

4) Become a ninja. Ninjas can always beat sharks. Just look at the below picture as proof. And if you cannot become a ninja, then hire a ninja. I hear they work for food. You know you've got a successful one if you tell him where you live, and when you go home, all your stuff is gone. Ninjas are like that. They can be in and out like the wind....

5) Dress up as Batman and buy a toy red lightsaber. Sharks are terrified of the Batman because of what happened the last time those two tangled:

And there you have it folks. Whew. Be safe everyone and remember my five rules even if you can't remember ANYTHING else. Trust me, they shall serve you well.

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The yummy of life is often concealed by things we don't want.

A group of alumni highly established in their careers got together to visit their old college professor. Conversation soon turned to complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic  glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, some exquisite. He told his guests to help themselves.

After everyone had a cup in hand, the professor said, "If you notice, all the nice-looking expensive cups have been taken up, leaving behind only the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it's just more expensive and oftentimes even hides what we drink.

"What all of you really wanted was coffee and not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups. And then you began eyeing each other's cup. Now consider this: life is the coffee. The jobs, money, and position in society are the cups. They're just tools to hold and contain LIFE. And the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes...by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee.

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

                   --author unknown

The yummy of life is often concealed by things we don't want.

Have a great Tuesday.

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S.H.I.E.L.D. got greenlit and I just wet myself

S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for Strategic Hazard intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate. I've seen it in half a dozen Marvel films, represented mostly by Samuel "Mother F'ing" Jackson in the role of Nick Fury. And so have many of you.

Why am I bringing this up?

I just read online that ABC has ordered a pilot S.H.I.E.L.D. for an exploration of a live-action TV series helmed by Joss Whedon.

Um, I made$1.5 billion dollars. Wait for it.
I MADE $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS.

Whedon is the guy that just made 1.5 billion dollars off of one movie, "The Avengers." How do you suppose that conversation went?

"Guys and gals of ABC...umm, I just made...I dunno, $1.5 BILLION DOLLARS. Do you want in on some of that action? Cause...there's this series I wanna do and--"

ABC Execs:  "YES! WE'LL TAKE IT! WHERE DO WE SIGN? OMG I JUST SH*T MY PANTS. YES!!"

If you are a nerd and keep nerd gods in your home, pray that this series does not follow in the footsteps of (I dunno) practically EVERY TELEVISION SERIES JOSS WHEDON HAS PRODUCED?

Am I using too many caps?

Seriously, though. Let's hope that it follows in the footsteps of "Buffy" and "Angel" and not "Firefly" and "Dollhouse." I guess he's 50/50 and that may not be so bad afterall. I'd take those odds at craps. Please tell me you guys know what craps is? And no, it's not something you do on the can while playing "Words With Friends" on your iPad. Oh, I mentioned iPad...I'm having a SIRI moment.

Nick Fury hates hotspacho. So should you.

Remember, on the night S.H.I.E.L.D. airs on ABC, it's "Date Night." Siri says so, and I do too.

So what did we learn here?  S.H.I.E.L.D. got greenlit, and I just wet myself. I hope that all the stars from the movies will make cameos. I wonder if Samuel L. is gonna play Nick Fury. That would be Mother F*cking AWESOME. <== see what I did thar?

It's a happy Wednesday oh nerdy peeps. Be sure to rub your stuffed wookie, click your heels together, and say, "There's no director like Joss Whedon. There's no director like Joss Whedon."

If this guy does a cameo, can you not see the potential here?
Come on, Chris Evans even gives straight men a man crush.

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The funniest made up words ever

My friend Tomeka sent me this list by email. So, I'm sharing it with you.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I challenge you to make up a word and post it in the comments!

Have a great weekend :)

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Jugs

On Ellen, the host asked Sofia Vergara if she thought if brunettes or blondes had more fun.


Sofia responded:

“I would say the girls with the bigger boobs. I’ve been blonde and I’ve been brunette. I speak from experience.”

Remember ladies. With great power comes great responsibility.

This gets taught to every guy sooner or later from the wise men on the mountain.

I Love Modern Family. Ciao.

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Can you help me spot the cat?

I got this email from my friend William. Supposedly there's a cat in this picture. I've looked at it but can't find it. My eyesight isn't all that great. You can click on the picture to make it bigger. If you find the cat, please indicate where it is in the comments :).

Have a happy Thursday.

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Frog and Smartphone

I got this funny video sent to me, and I laughed so hard that I wanted to show you.

Have a great Thursday!

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How to write good

That just about explains it all, now doesn't it?

:) Have a great Monday.

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Bubba's Resume

My Resimay

To hoom it
mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job
what I saw in the paper.

I kin
Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a
counting.

I think I am good on the
fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee
seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not
too good but find that I Offen can get a
job wit my
persinalety.

My
salerery is open so we kin discus wat you
want to pay me and wat you think that I am
werth,

I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore
anser..

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so
farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS:

Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a
pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba:

It's Okay honey ... We've got spell check.

See you tomorrow!

Ladies, don't even deny that you wouldn't hire this guy :P

Have a great Thursday :)

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Wow

My Reaction

That is so NOT HAND DRAWN!!!! O.O

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What If I Fail At Being Published?

In the event that any of us (god forbid) fails in the pursuit of a dream which consists mostly of money and very little of actually writing anything memorable, you may find yourself at a crossroads wherein you decide that kidnapping someone and holding them for ransom may provide a more sound financial future (if not for yourself then for your loved ones). This shouldn't be taken lightly because a properly constructed ransom note is as hard as a query letter.  You will need the following elements:

1. Don’t be lazy and use the internet. Look, I know you can go on the web and use different programs that turn your text into a ransom note. That’s kid stuff. If you’re doing the crime, do the extra work and make the note yourself. Handmade. Just think of it as a more grown-up arts and crafts project.
2. Spell check, spell check, spell check Do you want to come across as a criminal mastermind, or some barely literate immigrant? The choice is yours. You don’t want the five-oh laughing at your poor punctuation and the fact that you threatening people by threatening to "kil" them.
3. No codes, ciphers, rebuses, etc. You want your ransom note to have a clear and effective message; mainly, that you have a member of someone’s family hostage and want money immediately or else. If you’re trying to be cute and send someone a note covered in bizarre glyphs which take months to decode, you’re never gonna collect on your investment, and then you’ve got some problems on your hands.
4. Tailor your ransom note to the victim. If it’s a foreign diplomat, use pieces of their nation’s flag as the letters. Or, let’s hypothetically say that you happen to have in your possession one of a certain celebrity couple’s adopted babies. You could use the People Magazine covers they adorned to make the words as well.
5. Wear gloves Don’t be an idiot and put your fingerprints all over your work. If you get busted because your thumb print got matched on the letters you cut out, you deserve what you get in prison. Be careful; burn whatever you use to make the note, and pick a pretty common variety of paper upon which to glue your letters. Contrary to what popular television shows would like you to believe, it takes some pretty obvious mistakes in order to get caught.
6. No body parts on the first note It comes off as too desperate, or worse – like you’re bluffing. Nobody wants to deal with some crazy blood-hungry beast that’s into mailing people toes. Plus, it’s almost impossible to ship body parts through the mail. This means hand delivering the letter, which means a greater chance of being caught. It’s too stupid a risk. You’re better off with using second ransom letters as a chance to show off your photography skills by attaching Polaroid pictures of your kidnapee in various states of duress.

I hope this helps. Happy Tuesday. XOXO

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