What If I Fail At Being Published?

In the event that any of us (god forbid) fails in the pursuit of a dream which consists mostly of money and very little of actually writing anything memorable, you may find yourself at a crossroads wherein you decide that kidnapping someone and holding them for ransom may provide a more sound financial future (if not for yourself then for your loved ones). This shouldn't be taken lightly because a properly constructed ransom note is as hard as a query letter.  You will need the following elements:

1. Don’t be lazy and use the internet. Look, I know you can go on the web and use different programs that turn your text into a ransom note. That’s kid stuff. If you’re doing the crime, do the extra work and make the note yourself. Handmade. Just think of it as a more grown-up arts and crafts project.
2. Spell check, spell check, spell check Do you want to come across as a criminal mastermind, or some barely literate immigrant? The choice is yours. You don’t want the five-oh laughing at your poor punctuation and the fact that you threatening people by threatening to "kil" them.
3. No codes, ciphers, rebuses, etc. You want your ransom note to have a clear and effective message; mainly, that you have a member of someone’s family hostage and want money immediately or else. If you’re trying to be cute and send someone a note covered in bizarre glyphs which take months to decode, you’re never gonna collect on your investment, and then you’ve got some problems on your hands.
4. Tailor your ransom note to the victim. If it’s a foreign diplomat, use pieces of their nation’s flag as the letters. Or, let’s hypothetically say that you happen to have in your possession one of a certain celebrity couple’s adopted babies. You could use the People Magazine covers they adorned to make the words as well.
5. Wear gloves Don’t be an idiot and put your fingerprints all over your work. If you get busted because your thumb print got matched on the letters you cut out, you deserve what you get in prison. Be careful; burn whatever you use to make the note, and pick a pretty common variety of paper upon which to glue your letters. Contrary to what popular television shows would like you to believe, it takes some pretty obvious mistakes in order to get caught.
6. No body parts on the first note It comes off as too desperate, or worse – like you’re bluffing. Nobody wants to deal with some crazy blood-hungry beast that’s into mailing people toes. Plus, it’s almost impossible to ship body parts through the mail. This means hand delivering the letter, which means a greater chance of being caught. It’s too stupid a risk. You’re better off with using second ransom letters as a chance to show off your photography skills by attaching Polaroid pictures of your kidnapee in various states of duress.

I hope this helps. Happy Tuesday. XOXO

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